Dearly beloved,
We are gathered together here.
Don't worry, it is a very small gathering —
Priest, bride, groom, best man, maid of honour —
Well within the current guidelines promulgated
By the Minister of Death.
Participants will maintain the prescribed two meters physical separation
Of S o c i a l D i s t a n c i n g
Andthisceremonywilltakenolongerthantheprescribedtimelimit
Oftenminutes.
There will be no wedding reception afterward;
Participants are cautioned to return immediately to Voluntary Self Isolation.
The Priest wears full HazMat suit, facial shield, hair covering, nitryl gloves
And portable independent supplemental oxygen respirator.
The rest take their chances in gloves and N95 respirator masks.
(Best man and maid of honour are here under protest —
Greater love hath no person, no sacrifice greater
Than to attend the nuptials of a close personal friend.)
Nobody gives the bride away. Dads and moms are defunct.
The Priest says, We have but a short time here,
Let us cut to the chase. Do you, John, take Mary etcetera?
Do you, Mary, take John etcetera? Yes.
Is there a ring? Yes.
Now, it won't go on over gloves, so it's been hung on this little gold chain
Carefully looped at the end of this lightweight pole.
Now John, take the pole, that's right, extend your arm,
Not too close now! with the necklace directly over Mary's head,
Release the trigger allowing the necklace to drop, I hope, into place.
(Hands up to catch it, Mary, just in case.)
Whew! There. That was the dangerous part. NO, John!
What can you be thinking of? You may NOT kiss the bride!
Get back, you fool.
I now pronounce you Wife and Toxic Thing.
Before you return to your prescribed Voluntary Self Isolation
Please each of you accept these hygienically sealed and sanitized
Letters of Condolence — uh, I mean, Congratulation,
Personally stamped with replica signature of the Minister of Death
Along with $50 COVID-19 Social Support Gratuity.
Now, quickly, all of you disperse and go home
Before the drone overhead registers a timeout violation
And summons an MOD Enforcement Squad
To hand out $5000 fines.
What's that? You ask how you'll consummate your union?
How should I know? You can't, without violating
Your Voluntary Social Distancing and Self Isolation.
Don't worry your heads about that. The world is full
Of unconsummated and ill-compensated
Marriages. You are not alone.
We are all in this together.
—oOo—